Emotionally Void

I’ve been dating someone for about a month. He’s handsome, nice, and absolutely smitten with me. I broke a rule. I let him come into my home. Not a good idea, as he has become a bit too comfortable in my lair, and all I can think about is when is he going to leave. It’s him, but it’s me. Mostly me. Because I opened myself up to him, I then became scared and now I want to bail. I am out of here in 3 weeks, but I don’t think I can wait that long. Little things about him are making me miserable and crazy.

He talks too much.

He talks too fast.

He interrupts…often.

He talks too much about his glory days on South Beach (yawn).

He wants to see me all the time.

He wants me to meet his mother.

He is suffocating me.

I literally fee like I can’t breathe.

His biggest crime? He’s not the Italian. Sigh.

Reality Check

I’m leaving my glamourous South Beach at the end of June, and will be spending a long hot summer in Utah. I’ve been so up in the air, and keep doing the should I or shouldn’t I dance. I am now realizing that I should, for may different reasons. I have a lot to do in the next month, in order to prepare, but I suppose it’s all good. Leaving my really good life in South Beach is gonna be hard, but I can always come back to it in the fall.

Many of my friends and family in Utah, seem to think I live a very glamorous life down here. It always makes me laugh, but if I step away, and look at it, I guess I really do. Living here on Fantasy Island, I have been exposed to things, good and bad, that seem almost unreal. I ride around in luxury vehicles, I eat very well, I am dragged around to look at 5 milllion dollar condos, I can’t walk ten feet without seeing someone I know, and my phone rings non-stop with invites. After 15 plus years down here, I’ve put down some roots. I always thought of this as a temporary place, where I merely stay, but in reality it is my home, and my life.

Once I get to Utah, I think spending my days at Walmart, driving my mom’s Malibu, and eating at Cafe Rio will be good for me on so many levels. I get a little full of myself, and my really good life. I often forget that not everyone lives like I do. A reality check is in definite need for me at times. This summer will be my reality check.

The basis for my decision of going to Utah, is family based. This is new for me, and I blame my sobriety on it. I plan on being present for my family. I still have three living grandparents, and one in particular who I can’t wait to be around. This is time I will never get back, and I feel very grateful that I have been given this time to do what I need to do. Not only for me, but for those around me.

Since You’ve Been Gone

I see things.

I hear things.

Things that only you would appreciate and understand. No words are ever needed. Just a look, or simply a nod.

Things that would have us both doubled over in uncontrollable laughter.

You are not here, so instead I am the girl, standing alone on the street corner, laughing by myself.

Accompanying you on your trip back to New York, solidified everything I already knew.

We get each other.

We are amazing together.

I can’t put a finger on us, but I know that what we have is HUGE.

I also know how hard it was for you to say goodbye to me.

It was hard for me too.

Not sad, but hard.

I didn’t tell you that I’m seeing someone, because it doesn’t really matter.

I like him quite a bit

But he’s not you.

There will never be another you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I believe we will find our way back to each other.

Not now.

But when the time is right.

For now, you do what you need to do.

And, I’ll do what I need to do.

Until we meet again….

Acting Like A Grown-Up at Chevron

Last night I made a grown-up decision. A very hard grown-up decision. I had to end my beautiful romance with The Italian. It was coming to an end anyway, since he is leaving in two weeks. Our time together was magical, exciting, and beautiful. It was a time in my life I’ll always look back on with great joy. He is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known. I truly believe that he was an angel, brought into my life, when I needed him most. He breathed life back into me, slowly, until I was again able to breathe on my own. I will always love him.

The relationship was really beginning to intensify. These feelings scared me, and I’ve been feeling very erratic about it lately. I have some issues I need to deal with in Utah, over the summer. Until this is done, I honestly feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, relationship wise. On the Italian’s end, his feelings for me were causing him pain. I realized this, and tried to take a step back. He wouldn’t let me. When I saw him last night, I knew what I needed to do. It wasn’t easy, but I know we’ll remain friends. I’m going to see him this afternoon, and hope to…..I don’t know what I hope. I want him to be okay, and I want me to be okay. That’s all.

I’ll end on this. I broke up with him at Chevron. How great is that? The absurdity of that, is the only thing that’s putting a smile on my face this morning.

Love, Gratitude, Mourning & So Many Good-byes

I’ve had a rough couple of days. I’m nearing the end of a 15-year career, and am now going through the stages of a big mourning process. I’ve worked for the same company for over one-third of my life, and saying good-bye is harder than I anticipated. I tend to hold things in, which has been causing me a lot of pain. I pretend to be stoic, and act as if everything is okay. Especially when it’s not. I must realize that I’m human, and it’s more than okay to feel this way. Today, I’m cleaning out my office. Wow. It’s not easy.

Since becoming sober, I’ve learned to talk about pain, reach out to others and (gulp) allow them to help me. I have such an amazing group of people in my life, who listen to me, talk to me, love me, and carry me. I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

As I’ve slowly started to unravel, the Italian has gone above and beyond in making me feel safe and loved. A part of me has wanted to push him away, because I’ll be saying goodbye to him in a couple of weeks. I don’t think he’s going to let me do this. He knows I haven’t been sleeping well, and last night leaned over and told me I should come and crash at his place. This is the devastatingly handsome lothario, who a few months ago told me that he never lets girls sleep over. He seems to have made a lot of exceptions for me. Knowing I’m feeling sad and vulnerable, he called me after I got home. He came and picked me up, took me to his place, tucked me into his bed and kissed me goodnight. I slept for 6 solid hours, which I haven’t done for awhile. The love, kindness and friendship that he has shown has literally brought me back to life, after going through a really sad time. I will always remember the time that we’ve spent together, and when I think of him, my heart will swell. I am so grateful that God put him in my life. Tears are running down my face as I think about saying goodbye to him.

Today, I’m not going to be stoic. I’m not going to hold my feelings in. I will let them out, and know that it’s okay. I will allow my friends to carry, help and love me throughout this HUGE time of change in my life. I will not dwell on the good-byes, but will instead be awash with gratitude.

I am not okay right now, but I still feel like the luckiest little girl in the world. I am so blessed and so loved.

Love

When I was younger, falling in love was like jumping off a cliff. There were sensations of giddiness, impending doom, having to be with that person all the time, fear, glee and so many other disturbing feelings of elation. I would become a bumbling mess and just knew that I could not live without the other person. Oh the drama. Especially when it came to a screeching halt, as it always did.

Today, things are different. Maybe it’s because I’m much more confident, make better choices, and seem to have a better handle on my emotions.

When I am with him, all is well. I walk away from him, and I don’t feel sad and empty. Instead I feel very complete. Completely happy. Our time together does not consist of a sense of urgency, Instead, each and every moment is thoroughly enjoyed and savored. We talk, laugh, love, appreciate and respect each other. I don’t know if it’s because I’m finally a grown up, or if it’s the enormous impact he has on me, but it feels so very right, and I choose to revel in it. We will be parting ways in about a month. He is going on his way, and shortly after, I’ll be going on my way. I know that this is how it should be, and have no doubt that we will meet again.

He has breathed life back into me, nurtured me, nurtured us, and has become one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I can see sharing a life with him, but I can also very realistically see not sharing a life with him. Very recently, I have realized that I love him. It is pure, true, and from the bottom of my heart. I don’t need to voice it, nor will I. He knows. He must know. It shows in my actions when I’m with him. Because I am complete without him, I can allow myself to love him, unconditionally. I don’t know if he loves me, and I really don’t need to know. I only know that I can give of myself, freely and naturally. He is the one I choose to give myself to.

When things started between us a few months ago, I never would have imagined what the outcome would be. He is so not who I thought he was. What a wonderful surprise, blessing, and gift he has turned out to be. I am so grateful that I can love, today. I love him. That’s all.

10 Things I Won’t Miss About Miami

I’m all about lists, and have a few in the making. There are so many things I will miss about living in Miami, but here are a few things I’m more than happy to say adios to:

1. Poop. People in South Beach don’t have kids. Instead, they have dogs. Big, dogs, little dogs, dogs that wear cheerleader uniforms, etc. Dogs poop on the sidewalk. Dog owners don’t always clean it up. Though, I sometimes wonder if some of the poop is really dog poop. Over the years, I have seen people poop on the street, and even in the parking garage of my building. Poop is gross. Especially when it’s hot outside.

2. Humidity. Not only will I be saving over $500 a year, not having to buy hair care products to keep the frizz under control, but it will be nice not to break a sweat the moment I walk out the door.

3. Noise. The hotel, next door to my building, caters to drunk college kids. Bad hip hop music 24/7, and non-stop screaming will no longer be my night time lullaby. It will be weird to fall asleep the sound of silence

4. Cuban Food. Croquettes, pastelitos, ropa vieja, black beans and rice, and the cardiac arrest inducing cafecito. I’ve never been a fan of Cuban food, particularly the smell. If I walk into my neighborhood bodega, I often come out smelling like a ham croquette. Not good.

5. Rude people. Pushing, shoving, screaming, and butting in line are basic survival skills down here. I’ll be happy to put these skills to rest.

6. Palmetto bugs. These are enormous cockroaches that fly. Even worse, is the really creepy, crunching sound they make when a phone book is dropped on top of them. My first encounter with one was three days after I moved to Miami. I locked myself in the bathroom, and vowed that I would be moving back to Utah within a week.

7. Memorial Day weekend. Nothing makes me feel safer than having a police watch-tower erected outside of my building. The noise, the traffic, the dirty underwear on the street (I know), and the busloads of people being transported to the local jail just make for a really bad holiday weekend.

8. Bad Service. I don’t know if its because Miami is Rudeville, USA, but the service is heinous. The restaurants on the beach are overpriced, the food is mediocre (at best), and the service usually sucks. Most restaurants automatically tack on a 15 – 20% gratuity, so the incentive for wait staff to be remotely pleasant and/or helpful is null and void.

9. Hurricane Season. I’ve lived through a handful of hurricanes in Miami. Wilma was the worst, and really scared the crap out of me. Especially when the roof blew off of the building behind me. Even worse than the hurricane itself, is the hysteria behind it. Rule #1: DON’T watch the news (especially channel 7). Rule #2: Avoid the grocery store at all costs. Standing in line for two hours, just to buy a few canned goods and toilet paper is as close to hell as you can get.

10. Crime. I don’t think it’s coincidental that the state of Florida is shaped like a gun. The crime down here is out of control. Also, South Beach seems to be a great place for the “Wanted” to hide out. This place is full of cons and criminal. As they say, Miami: Sunny Place, Shady People.

The End Of An Era

Though, I feel very emotional about leaving South Beach in June, I’m also really looking forward to getting out of here.

In June, it will be 16 years since my ex and I pulled up in front of our hotel on Ocean Drive. We had driven all the way from Utah. He was staying, and I was going back to Utah until fall.

I arrived, for good, on October 1, 1993. I was heartbroken about leaving Utah, and scared to death of Miami. My beloved boyfriend forced me to make the most of it. We spent the next few years exploring south Florida with a vengeance. It was like being on a vacation where you actually had time to see everything.

The boyfriend and I split up in 1998, and he moved away in 1999. Today, in 2009, he is still my dearest friend, and this afternoon he is arriving in South Beach to spend five days with me. This will probably be the last time we will be together in the place we called home, together, for 5 beautiful years.

I came here for him. We were so young when we arrived. We grew together, and would not be who we are today, without having had this experience, in Miami, together.

I was briefly explaining our relationship today, and started getting choked up. Four years ago, this week, I entered rehab for my alcoholism and drug addiction. Scared to death, sitting in the hospital parking lot waiting to go in, I called him. His words to me were, “you have to do this, because I need my friend back.”. He will never know what an impact his words had on me.

He gave me the strength to move to Miami, and stay. He gave me the strength to get sober. I’m hoping now he will also give me the strength I need to return home. Back to Utah.

More Time Required, I Suppose

It’s been almost seven months since I found out my boyfriend had a little ‘chippy’ on the side.

It’s been almost six months since we ended our relationship, and he moved his saggy, sorry ass out.

I spent about a month and a half, walking around dazed, confused, scared and hurt.

The next month and a half was full of anger and rage.

My therapist called this the mourning process.

Sometime in November, I woke up one morning and I felt great. I really did. I rarely thought about him, and felt like I was finally able to move on. I felt happier than I had in years. I still do.

I haven’t seen or heard from him in months. I hope to keep it this way. Actually, forever would be nice.

Over the last few days, I have heard stories about him from well meaning acquaintances. They say not so nice things about him (and his chippy). I try not to feed into it, but unfortunately I have. The other day, I had a dream in which I said something awful to him. When I woke up, I felt horrible.

Again, I’m feeling the anger creep up. I’m hoping that he has a truly miserable life, and eventually rots in hell. I can say this on the blog, because this was, and has been, my therapeutic tool which helped me immensely during the break-up.

I know these feelings will go away, and I also know just how damaging they are to me. I really just needed to get this off my chest, so I can let it go.

In June, I’ll be gone. The worry of running into him and seeing him will also be gone. That’s a really comforting feeling.

As always, thanks for listening.

Ch, Ch, Changes…….

The last six moths of my life has consisted of MAJOR changes, that a year ago, I never would have imagined. As of now, I have the attitude (and hope to retain it) that it’s all good.

The latest change occurred last week. Due to downsizing at my beloved newspaper, I am being laid off. I will work until the end of April, then I’m done. After that, I hope to take about 6 weeks or so, to wrap everything up in Miami, maybe do a wee bit of traveling, then head back to Utah.

Yes, I said it……It looks like I’m going to be moving back to Utah. I will miss Miami in many ways, but am happy to be getting out just in the nick of time. Besides the horrendous summer weather, the economic situation down here is brutal. I know it’s bad everywhere, but this town has been hit really hard.

The job is what brought me to Miami, and has kept me here for 15 years. I never meant to stay here as long as I did. And, the thought of growing old here depresses the hell out of me. As far as Utah goes, I don’t feel like I’m running home. I feel like I’m returning, after 15 plus years, as a grown-up. I still have 3 living grandparents, and have missed my niece and nephew’s entire lives. Now that I’m sober, clear and present, I finally feel like I have a lot to contribute as far as being a member of my family. For this I am grateful. Returning to Utah is something that I once would have scoffed at. Today, it seems like the right thing to do.

In July, I’ll be turning 40. Recently, I have taken to saying that I will be spending my 40th birthday, unemployed, living in my parents basement. I get a huge kick out of saying this. Things could be so much worse. I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m excited to find out.

To be continued…….