Addicted

My Name is Amy, and I Am An Addict…..

I am really coming to realize that I am addicted to so many things. I’ve been drug-free for over four years, and alcohol-free for 3 and a half years (today). With this, comes a lot of growth and self-realization, all because of the enormous amount of work, I’ve had to do on myself, in order to stay sober. Unfortunately, my disease tends to manifest itself in other ways. Especially, when it comes to men. Apparently, I must always have at least one potential guy thing going on at all times. This was all fine and dandy, and it was working very well with the Italian. Until, feelings started to surface on both of our ends. We are both terrified of getting hurt, so we both took a step back. This wasn’t so hard for me, because I had a few other guys waiting in the background. I still see, and talk to The Italian, just not as often as I was.

At the beginning of the year, I began to dabble with, and unfortunately romanticize, a long-lost love. Mistake. The baggage, major issues (his untreated alcoholism) and heartache that came along with it, ended up bringing tremendous hurt and pain to both of us. The initial rush I got from him, ended up turning into a jarring electrical jolt that really knocked me on my ass. In some ways, I feel like I’m back where I was a few short months ago. Not as devastated, but just very sad and disappointed. Again.

I also had another little deal going on, with a guy here in Miami. We’ve been crushing on each other long and hard. Sparks fly when we’re together, and we finally had dinner together two weeks ago. It was great, He’s great, which scares me. I figured he was too good to be true. I figured right, seeing that he apparently has a very beautiful, very young girlfriend. Oy.

My addiction to men is now rearing it’s ugly head. Because I’m disappointed in all of them, I feel very blue. There is such a strong urge to get out there and do some hard core flirting this weekend, because that’s the fix I need. Why am I happiest when I have multiple men to choose from? Is it the high? Is it the drama than ensues? The high, I get from this is not unlike the high I got from cocaine and alcohol, which scares me. The good thing is that I’m aware of it, and I know I can do something about it. I just need to be willing, which is the hard part. Sigh.

That said, I’m leaving work early to act out on my shopping addiction. Have I mentioned the high I get when wearing a pretty dress? Tomorrow, I plan on indulging in a healthier addiction…..baking. Since it’s Valentines Day, I can’t think of anything I would like more than to bake treats for all of my lovely friends, while wearing a pretty dress, of course.

25 Random Things About Me

I’ve been tagged numerous times on Facebook, with this post. I decided to do it. Whether I post it on FB or not, is a different story.

1. I love the taste of Pepto Bismol. Kaoepectate is pretty good, too.

2. I’ve been employed at the same company for over 15 years. I think they kind of like me.

3. Lately, I’m really starting to appreciate the many things about Miami that used to annoy the crap out of me. Excluding the ever present aroma of pee.

4. I’m linguistically challenged. After many years, and a lot of money spent, I’m still only fluent in English. I can occasionally eke out a weird French/Spanish dialect, and am fairly proficient in Spanglish.

5. After a bout with Guillain-Barre Syndrome, I spent 2 months in a wheelchair, and had to learn how to walk again.

6. I’m stone cold sober. It’s been a few years since I’ve had anything stronger than a club soda.

7. I don’t eat fast food or drink soda. I haven’t touched either in years.

8. I’m a really good cook.

9. I’m an even better baker.

10. I have a posse of ex-boyfriends. A few of which, are now some of my best friends.

11. My best friend is an ex-boyfriend, who I was with for 7 years. We broke up 11 years ago. We are in constant communication, travel together, and tell each other EVERYTHING. I can’t imagine my life without him.

12. This time around, I’ve been single for a little over 4 months, and am very happy about it. Being alone is really good for me right now.

13. I’m going to turn 40 in July. Surprisingly, I’m really looking forward to it.

14. I’m being actively pursued by an ex-boyfriend. He keeps telling me I need to grow the f*&! up, get my skinny ass back to Utah, and f *&$%ng marry him. He is such a romantic.

15. I’ve never been married. The older I get, the more terrifying the thought of it becomes.

16. My birthday, 7/11, falls on Free Slurpee Day.

17. I have over 40 dresses hanging in my closet.

18. People are always shocked to find out that I’m originally from Utah. Apparently, I come across as a New Yorker.

19. I’ve never lived in New York, but I’ve spent a lot of time there over the last 20 years. I try to visit every 2 to 3 months, except in the winter.

20. I have an outgoing, yet off beat personality. I’ve always made friends, easily. I also keep the friends I make. Many of my friends have been with me years.

21. I still have 3 living grandparents. They’re all in good health, with sound, solid minds. The youngest is 85. There is definitely something to be said for the Mormon lifestyle.

22. I was brought up Mormon, but stopped practicing as a teenager. Mainly because spending 3 hours in church every Sunday, didn’t appeal to me. I also had a problem following the Word of Wisdom. I have a healthy respect for the core values of the church (minus the ridiculous, ignorant stand on Prop. 8).

23. I am very grateful for the time and place in which I grew up.

24. I have 2 cats I adopted from the Humane Society, 12 years ago. They both seem to think I’m the kid, and they’re the parents. Sam & Esther run my life.

25. I have a lot of peace and happiness in my life.