When I was younger, falling in love was like jumping off a cliff. There were sensations of giddiness, impending doom, having to be with that person all the time, fear, glee and so many other disturbing feelings of elation. I would become a bumbling mess and just knew that I could not live without the other person. Oh the drama. Especially when it came to a screeching halt, as it always did.
Today, things are different. Maybe it’s because I’m much more confident, make better choices, and seem to have a better handle on my emotions.
When I am with him, all is well. I walk away from him, and I don’t feel sad and empty. Instead I feel very complete. Completely happy. Our time together does not consist of a sense of urgency, Instead, each and every moment is thoroughly enjoyed and savored. We talk, laugh, love, appreciate and respect each other. I don’t know if it’s because I’m finally a grown up, or if it’s the enormous impact he has on me, but it feels so very right, and I choose to revel in it. We will be parting ways in about a month. He is going on his way, and shortly after, I’ll be going on my way. I know that this is how it should be, and have no doubt that we will meet again.
He has breathed life back into me, nurtured me, nurtured us, and has become one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I can see sharing a life with him, but I can also very realistically see not sharing a life with him. Very recently, I have realized that I love him. It is pure, true, and from the bottom of my heart. I don’t need to voice it, nor will I. He knows. He must know. It shows in my actions when I’m with him. Because I am complete without him, I can allow myself to love him, unconditionally. I don’t know if he loves me, and I really don’t need to know. I only know that I can give of myself, freely and naturally. He is the one I choose to give myself to.
When things started between us a few months ago, I never would have imagined what the outcome would be. He is so not who I thought he was. What a wonderful surprise, blessing, and gift he has turned out to be. I am so grateful that I can love, today. I love him. That’s all.
5 responses so far ↓
Monica // April 13, 2009 at 3:41 pm |
Tell him (because I’m truly a romantic sap and cannot even think about you leaving him and not telling him!).
pillowchats // April 13, 2009 at 3:44 pm |
That’s when you know it’s more than just lust. You should let him know how you feel. Listen to the song “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flatts. It’s sad but it makes a lot of sense. Hope things work out.
Amy // April 13, 2009 at 9:01 pm |
Wow! The thought of telling him didn’t really cross my mind. If it seems right, maybe it will happen. I just left him, and want to do nothing more than shout from the rooftop, that I love him. I’m just afraid, he might find out. Sigh
FFG // April 14, 2009 at 11:29 am |
How incredibly romantic like a wonderful movie!
Amanda Davenport // April 20, 2009 at 5:13 pm |
just read this for the first time in a long time. i love you. it sounds like you’re in a really great place. i’d love to hear more about the plans to move and what the fuck ex-bf is doing. things are going really well for me: scott still doesn’t have a job but i’ve gotten to see him a lot lately and i cannot believe our relationship – it’s so healthy! lol. school is busy but good. nyc is awesome. on saturday me and scott wandered around brooklyn heights enjoying spring and gawking at rich people and their houses. call me soon! we must catch up! xoxo
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