Love, Gratitude, Mourning & So Many Good-byes

I’ve had a rough couple of days. I’m nearing the end of a 15-year career, and am now going through the stages of a big mourning process. I’ve worked for the same company for over one-third of my life, and saying good-bye is harder than I anticipated. I tend to hold things in, which has been causing me a lot of pain. I pretend to be stoic, and act as if everything is okay. Especially when it’s not. I must realize that I’m human, and it’s more than okay to feel this way. Today, I’m cleaning out my office. Wow. It’s not easy.

Since becoming sober, I’ve learned to talk about pain, reach out to others and (gulp) allow them to help me. I have such an amazing group of people in my life, who listen to me, talk to me, love me, and carry me. I feel like the luckiest girl on earth.

As I’ve slowly started to unravel, the Italian has gone above and beyond in making me feel safe and loved. A part of me has wanted to push him away, because I’ll be saying goodbye to him in a couple of weeks. I don’t think he’s going to let me do this. He knows I haven’t been sleeping well, and last night leaned over and told me I should come and crash at his place. This is the devastatingly handsome lothario, who a few months ago told me that he never lets girls sleep over. He seems to have made a lot of exceptions for me. Knowing I’m feeling sad and vulnerable, he called me after I got home. He came and picked me up, took me to his place, tucked me into his bed and kissed me goodnight. I slept for 6 solid hours, which I haven’t done for awhile. The love, kindness and friendship that he has shown has literally brought me back to life, after going through a really sad time. I will always remember the time that we’ve spent together, and when I think of him, my heart will swell. I am so grateful that God put him in my life. Tears are running down my face as I think about saying goodbye to him.

Today, I’m not going to be stoic. I’m not going to hold my feelings in. I will let them out, and know that it’s okay. I will allow my friends to carry, help and love me throughout this HUGE time of change in my life. I will not dwell on the good-byes, but will instead be awash with gratitude.

I am not okay right now, but I still feel like the luckiest little girl in the world. I am so blessed and so loved.